Entry 3

 

If you’ve never tried the taste of diesel, I can heartily recommend it for an effective method of getting an impression of what I imagine the Devil’s scrotum to taste like.

 

I had syphoned off enough deasil to fill thirty jerry cans before I realised that the pumps still work. There’s a lesson for you – never assume!

 

I don’t know what has happened to the world. As far as I can tell, there’s nothing living on it except me. No other people, no birds, no dogs, no bees! There were no explosions, no tidal waves. Like I said before, there were no zombies. Plants didn’t rise up to take advantage of a recently blinded population. I just woke up one day, the telly didn’t work, my dog was gone and I was left with a surprisingly quiet drive to work.

 

Why the TV doesn’t work but the diesel pumps do, I couldn’t tell you.

 

Guns work.

 

I have been spending the day blasting the crap out of things. I started off with empty cans – classic. Then I realised that the reason you shoot empty cans is because they are discarded, of no use. Well, now the whole bloomin’ world is ‘discarded’!

 

So, after the empty cans, I graduated to windows, cars and that stupid traffic light at the end of Henage road that was always on red when I was ever late for work.

 

Traffic lights don’t work but house lights do.

 

My theory on what happened?

 

I have three main ones.

 

I’ve gone potty. Having never truly had what you might call a ‘proper full blown’ mental breakdown, I don’t know how they go. I remember watching A Beautiful mind and those hallucinations of people seemed pretty real to Russel Crow. But I don’t buy it. Am I wondering about in streets that are actually full of people and I just don’t see them? If so, surely they’d be objecting to the fact that I’ve just blown the head off mannequin in Boots! Or am I laid in bed somewhere, strapped in a straitjacket and eating baby food through a tube? Is all of this just in my head?

 

I just don’t think I have the imagination. Also, that taste of diesel was REAL! There’s no hallucinating that awful stuff.

 

Theory number two: dimensions! I have been blasted into, or fallen into, an alternative dimension with only me in it. I’m still on the fence with this one. But as I can’t really prove it one way or the other, just thinking about it hurts my brain and doesn’t really get me anywhere. So, let’s chalk that one up as a ‘maybe’.

 

Theory three: the world, or Grimsby at least, has been evacuated and I just didn’t get the memo. Perhaps there’s a bomb about to go off and people were told to leave town? Maybe the neutrinos have mutated? I don’t know. But where the hell was my invitation onto the ‘get the fuck outta here’ bus?

 

What this leaves me with is the semblance of a plan.

 

The breakdown thing, I’m putting that off the table. If I am imagining all this, then fair enough, well done brain, I didn’t know you had it in you. The dimension thing is beyond my reasoning skills and, seems as professor Brian Cox isn’t around, I’m just not equipped to deal with it. So, that leaves me with the evacuation thing.

 

I know it’s not perfect. I mean how did they convince the little bees to get on the bus? Did they have a ticket? Or nectar card…

 

Anyway, I know it’s not perfect. But it gives me something to work with.

 

So, that’s the new and improved plan. I’m going to drive out of Grimsby and see if everyone is just down the A46, waiting in a layby for the all clear.

 

Wish me luck.